HAVE YOU AT ANY TIME IN LIFE:
Did you ever at any time feel helpless,
wanted to scream
wanted to shout out loud
I want help
Help me please.
Then this is for you and me.
In October 2011 I started getting panic attacks and started feeling a sinking feeling in my stomach and heart and was scared shit less, feeling pangs of loneliness, vulnerable and insecure and did not know whom to share what I was going through.
Bottom line I did not want to ask for help?
Me and ask for help?
I who always is one up on problems and had solutions for one and all including myself required. Help!
Well this cannot be happening to me?
I was in self – denial that I needed help.
Not me sweetheart… This is for some one else.
It took me a month to know I was caught in a trap and decided to break free from my trap.
I decided to share with my close friends and people what I was going through.
This is what I shared and as each one of you are close to me I am sharing with you all:
Hi, this is shunyata here. Since October 2011 I am been feeling scared, lonely, no friends, no family and I am going through a sinking feeling in my heart, soul and stomach. I get up feeling lonely and an emptiness .
When I shared this my father, friends and colleagues they all started sharing their experiences of how they have gone through something similar or is going through.
My father topped the list; he said I also feel I need to run down from my building to get fresh air. When I sit in the car I have to stop the car and get out of the car. I have never told you this. I feel why I am living.
I have weird thoughts in my head,
How do animals live in the jungle?
How do fish live in water.
Another friend said I am scared to meet people. How can I share this?
I feel like why was I born. I feel all children should die than come into this world.
and the list went on and on,
and I shared with people what I am going through and people shared back about their instances in life.
One common theme came out
Why do we not share with people when we are emotionally down
Why do we not ask for help?
Why was I scared.
I) My reasons:
I had an image to protect.
What will people think of me
People will misuse my situation
People will take advantage of me and my situation
People will feel I am weak
People will reject me or what I am saying.
people, people, people.
II) My next realization was:
I had conversation on Help:
It is not OK to ask for help,
When you ask for help be ready: To give back,
Be ready to being taking advantage of
Be ready to be used.
III) Then I started checking How do I help?
With an agenda?
With an arrogance and attitude?
Pay me back when I need you?
You owe me one?
I use it as a stepping foot to get into people’s lives?
I am keeping tabs of all that u owe me?
I use it later to make people feel guilty to extract?
Yes many heard me and supported me. Some gave advice.
Some made me feel small, some made me feel ok.
Some wanted payback when they go through the same situation.
The truth was I became vulnerable and asked for help.
I became aware: I have made my mind complicated, and filled with agendas
and paradoxically, searching for transparency in systems and processes.
In the journey of Life many times I may require help/support
It is OK to ask for help and it is OK to help.
I have become a more compassionate and respectful person.
I am no more living in self-denial, or denying help.